bookish dreamer

I am simultaneously terrified and excited to announce that I was accepted into a year long program in Japan! And I was also awarded the funding I applied for, for both summer and the school year!

These are the fantastic things. The not so fantastic things are that the I did poorly on the placement test for the program and they want me to do a summer intensive program to get my japanese into shape (which, fine, I was planning on doing that anyway, but I can't go to Japan to do it, i have QUALIFYING EXAMS). Their acceptance letter actually ONLY has the option for me to accept going to the summer school as well, which is freaking me out. Also, the funding I got is less than 50% of the entire total of the program (their costs have tripled in the last year, which I forgot to check, because, shit, that's a lot). So, um, I can go because I got in but I can't because the money isn't there? And then I'm also freaking out about what to do with my stuff here while I'm going over there, and how to get enough stuff over there to live for a year. Like cognitively I can't even imagine it. Do I mail boxes of clothes? I'll be there in winter - it snows there in winter. ACK.

On the good side my mom has offered to take Domino so I don't have to find her a new home, which is amazing and generous and awesome. Also on the *hopefully* good side the head of the department, for all his driving me crazy, said something about trying to find more departmental money to help cover the costs, and who knows, it might actually work out. Another girl in my program also got in, and she's interested in possibly sharing an apartment, which would keep costs down. (On the other hand, when we had three classes together she drove me absolutely bug fucking insane, but I think I could handle it by putting earphones in all the time and not accepting her requests to go hang out or something.)

It's all terrifying and strange and ... really? this is my life? i think it might be. *looks around* whoah.

Also had a meeting with my advisor just to check in about the Qualifying Exam and hopefully I will be able to take it at the end of May, though there may be some difficulties with my committee members. But he was incredibly reassuring about my preparation, in that he said something to the effect of this:

Yes, do study, and the anxiety about the exam is something of a right of passage for everyone who takes it, and you should definitely take it seriously. But, there are different types of students: those who have blind spots in their knowledge, where the exam is a place to point them out, so they can be focused on and shored up before the student goes onto to further work; and those who do not know their field and so need to be checked because they cannot or should not go further; and finally those who the committee is assured already have the breadth of knowledge required. And you are one of those. If I had to, for some reason, cancel your exam and yet asked your committee members today if they would still pass you, they would say yes.

That's a hell of a vote of confidence. Made me think I'm doing something right after all.