(no subject)
May. 16th, 2006 02:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katekatSo I'm done with finals now, I'm free, and I should be feeling a wild elation or at least a mild euphoria and instead I'm kind of feeling more like business as usual, and more like my vacation has already come and gone.
Part of it's the financial funding that didn't come, apparently, from government sponsored sources. Part of it is the nagging need for a job, a way to pay my bills now that I'm not leaching off the government and taking cushie classes for the summer. Part of it is increased worry for the next year, what with getting into grad school now I really have to *do* what it was I said I was going to do, and I have to figure out HOW to do that with a department that's slightly understaffed and classes full and me not knowing my way, not exactly.
It felt good to pick up my government book this afternoon and know I wasn't going to have to read the insipid 9th-grade style text anymore. And maybe tomorrow I'll get motivated on my "to be put off until after finals to-do list" that brings with it homey chores like laundry, throwing away all my non-japanese flashcards, and selling back my books. Maybe that's when it'll really hit home that I'm released from the school grind, no tests sneaking up on me in a couple of weeks, no little pop quizzes in Japanese around the corner, and nothing starting until July as far as studying and reading goes.
Because it certainly didn't hit today, and I kept waiting for it to. Instead I just felt like I was procrastinating while I was fooling around online, felt like I was deferring studying (or something), felt like I had a list of things to do that needed doing today, and that my goofing around was pushing some kind of deadline I was going to miss. Maybe I'm just too type-a for my own good. Maybe I need a list of things to remind me of what I'm not remembering, since memory seems to fail at anything other than a dread foreboding effect.
Maybe things will look better tomorrow.
Part of it's the financial funding that didn't come, apparently, from government sponsored sources. Part of it is the nagging need for a job, a way to pay my bills now that I'm not leaching off the government and taking cushie classes for the summer. Part of it is increased worry for the next year, what with getting into grad school now I really have to *do* what it was I said I was going to do, and I have to figure out HOW to do that with a department that's slightly understaffed and classes full and me not knowing my way, not exactly.
It felt good to pick up my government book this afternoon and know I wasn't going to have to read the insipid 9th-grade style text anymore. And maybe tomorrow I'll get motivated on my "to be put off until after finals to-do list" that brings with it homey chores like laundry, throwing away all my non-japanese flashcards, and selling back my books. Maybe that's when it'll really hit home that I'm released from the school grind, no tests sneaking up on me in a couple of weeks, no little pop quizzes in Japanese around the corner, and nothing starting until July as far as studying and reading goes.
Because it certainly didn't hit today, and I kept waiting for it to. Instead I just felt like I was procrastinating while I was fooling around online, felt like I was deferring studying (or something), felt like I had a list of things to do that needed doing today, and that my goofing around was pushing some kind of deadline I was going to miss. Maybe I'm just too type-a for my own good. Maybe I need a list of things to remind me of what I'm not remembering, since memory seems to fail at anything other than a dread foreboding effect.
Maybe things will look better tomorrow.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-16 08:24 am (UTC)I know I said not too much "HA HA, I HAVE FINISHED UNI AND MISH HASN'T! SUCKS TO BE HER WITH HER TWO MORE EXAMS TO GO!" but that is ridiculous ;)
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Date: 2006-05-17 10:39 pm (UTC)and I am piffling like MAD right now... at some point I will get to chores, but for the first time in two semesters I picked up a fantasy book. To read for fun. I feel almost as if I'm saying a dirty word! Fun! hee! And I hope you get there soon, too....
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Date: 2006-05-18 02:47 pm (UTC)Okay, so I spend about 75% of my time piffling about now anyway, but there's background!thoughts about exams and there is that 25% studying, but you know. ! Fun reading will be fabulous!
(I know, it sounds so dumb, that I only have 2 exams, but two exams which will either pass or fail my life for me is the context I am taking them in. heh.)
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Date: 2006-05-18 09:43 pm (UTC)and it *does not* sound dumb! exams are important, and I understand the whole passing or failing life for you fear.... *hugs* but I have no doubt you will be brilliant at them!
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Date: 2006-05-16 08:52 am (UTC)::many hugs:: I hope that the coming days can bring you some clarity on all those decision.
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Date: 2006-05-17 11:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-16 11:50 pm (UTC)Yes, as a matter of fact, dragging crude humor into the discussion is a defense mechanism.
Seriously, you've done a tremendous thing, and once the fact cores in, the elation will come. Maybe it'll be big and loud, maybe it'll be little and quiet. But it'll come. (snuggle)
-BJ
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Date: 2006-05-17 11:32 pm (UTC)Crude humor is *always* welcome. I live off of it!
*snuggles you back*