the next chapter...
Aug. 31st, 2010 10:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katekatthis week is not the part of the story that I like. It's the time in the story when I tend to hit the back button because there's just too much drama to take. It's the time in the story when you cover your eyes and realize that this isn't one of those happy ending tales.
but i can't hit the back button because this isn't a story, this is real life. it was mine.
He fucked her. He fucked her the first year she came to live with us. I don't know how often or in what detail other than the fact that the new years after she moved in with us they'd fucked. and more after that.
I screamed at him today. screamed and cursed and screamed and let my rage overtake me. I screamed and cried and rebutted every one of his stupid selfish pathetic justifications for an act that had no justification. That never had any justification.
I will never get the last four years back. I could have had the last four years to start my life in a different way, and he took them from me in acts so cowardly, so spineless.
Everything. Everything that I have felt guilty about was never my fault. trying to bridge the gap of a relationship with someone who had his dick in someone else?? no wonder it never went anywhere, no wonder it never got better, no wonder it all felt so pointless sometimes.
He made me doubt myself. She looked me in the eye on a daily basis. They both called my emotions into question.
It isn't my fault. None of it. I just spent four years trying to make something work to the best of my abilities that never had a chance of working in the first place. That was over four years ago but that I was never given the courtesy of knowing was over. And he was too spineless to do anything about it but turn further into a shell. the shell of the man I once, many years ago, might have loved.
but i can't hit the back button because this isn't a story, this is real life. it was mine.
He fucked her. He fucked her the first year she came to live with us. I don't know how often or in what detail other than the fact that the new years after she moved in with us they'd fucked. and more after that.
I screamed at him today. screamed and cursed and screamed and let my rage overtake me. I screamed and cried and rebutted every one of his stupid selfish pathetic justifications for an act that had no justification. That never had any justification.
I will never get the last four years back. I could have had the last four years to start my life in a different way, and he took them from me in acts so cowardly, so spineless.
Everything. Everything that I have felt guilty about was never my fault. trying to bridge the gap of a relationship with someone who had his dick in someone else?? no wonder it never went anywhere, no wonder it never got better, no wonder it all felt so pointless sometimes.
He made me doubt myself. She looked me in the eye on a daily basis. They both called my emotions into question.
It isn't my fault. None of it. I just spent four years trying to make something work to the best of my abilities that never had a chance of working in the first place. That was over four years ago but that I was never given the courtesy of knowing was over. And he was too spineless to do anything about it but turn further into a shell. the shell of the man I once, many years ago, might have loved.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-01 11:04 am (UTC)I'm so truly sorry you had to live through this. Again, i don't even have the words to say how sorry. Cheating is so far down my list of scummy things to do it's practically in the ninth circle, and there is absolutely no justification for it. At all. You're right. You deserve a lot better than any of this, and i feel horrible and angry for you - i've seen (although probably not commented on) all those posts about her breakdowns and crises and self-destruction and i can't believe that someone you were so kind to would ever, EVER do this to you. Either of them, actually.
Don't doubt yourself anymore, Kate the Kat. You're a wonderful, wonderful person. I know how much it hurts to lose four months of your life to someone who isn't worth it. I know how much i regret those four months. I can't imagine four years. But when you're feeling better, when all your rage has subsided and you wake up to the morning where you feel like you're ready and you can begin to start your life again, you go and do it, and don't you let any fucker question you or make you doubt yourself or put the blame onto you. You be magnificent like i know you are. And if anyone tries to stop you or hurt you, i'm here to smack a bitch and i reckon EB will happily join me.