this is what i get when i try to sleep in

that extra blissful half an hour or so i took this morning?  my subconscious treated me to a rousing dream where i was showing my housemate austin, until he fell asleep on the way to the next bar, and then i ended up in a family gathering where Neil was too, with two relatives pulling me aside in the kitchen to tell me, in the most distainful way possible, that I was being selfish and rude not getting back together with such a nice young man (one of these women reminded me of one of the Housewives of New York - the former Countess one, thanks brain - but it made her extra krispy disdainful).  And I ended the dream screaming at them the truth: "three fucking years he was cheating on me and lying to me every day and you expect me to forgive him for that??  if that's selfish I don't fucking care" (or something to that effect) and watching their faces crumple as they realize he isn't the nice, sweet, earnest man they'd been trying to promote all evening.

if this is what i get for sleeping in I'm setting my alarm more often.  At least my subconscious is willing to fight for itself against the nostalgic parts of my subconscious that apparently just want everything to go back to the way it was.  Fight and scream...

while i hate waking up to those kinds of dreams, because i always feel more tired than before, there was this undercurrent of "fuck you" anger / satisfaction getting to wipe the sanctimonious looks off their faces. So that's ok I guess.

another letter

Neil,

( I look back at all those years that we  )