short attention span theatre.
Jan. 30th, 2005 12:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katekatI seem to have lost the ability to actually sit for more than half an hour at a time to do my homework. And somehow flashcards are not as appealing as they were last week. And they weren't that appealing then. This back to school thing involves a lot of brain power that I'm afraid I've lost.
Got in a fight with D. about it last night - she who bizarrely maintains that I'm one of the smartest people she knows - she broke down on me because I wouldn't let go of the idea that this is hard, and that I'm afraid, and that it scares the shit out of me that I always seemed to be a mediocre student in high school, and that the only reason why I did so well in college was that they didn't use grades. But they didn't. And I did do well. But it's been years and I'm a different girl from the student I was then, and it just feels strange and weird and familiar all at the same time. And I don't want to get comfortable believing that it will all be easy because it's not.
See, the thing I seem to understand (that others find confusing) is that I simply don't do well on tests. I don't like grades. I'm always more certain of the information than I should be, though, and so give me a conversation, a round table discussion, some class participation and I'll knock your socks off. Give me a scantron and some multiple choice questions and I'll be done 20 minutes before everyone else and have a 'b' to show for it.
So I'm (I think) justifiably scared. Reasonably freaked. And the comfort of my friend telling my I'm smart isn't going to cut that fear. Her unreasonable assumption that she can stay on the phone with me and make it all go away isn't going to make it all go away. A couple of tests, some better grades, and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe I'm ready to do this thing again. Pay attention, spend the weekend doing homework, treat flashcards like friends.
Got in a fight with D. about it last night - she who bizarrely maintains that I'm one of the smartest people she knows - she broke down on me because I wouldn't let go of the idea that this is hard, and that I'm afraid, and that it scares the shit out of me that I always seemed to be a mediocre student in high school, and that the only reason why I did so well in college was that they didn't use grades. But they didn't. And I did do well. But it's been years and I'm a different girl from the student I was then, and it just feels strange and weird and familiar all at the same time. And I don't want to get comfortable believing that it will all be easy because it's not.
See, the thing I seem to understand (that others find confusing) is that I simply don't do well on tests. I don't like grades. I'm always more certain of the information than I should be, though, and so give me a conversation, a round table discussion, some class participation and I'll knock your socks off. Give me a scantron and some multiple choice questions and I'll be done 20 minutes before everyone else and have a 'b' to show for it.
So I'm (I think) justifiably scared. Reasonably freaked. And the comfort of my friend telling my I'm smart isn't going to cut that fear. Her unreasonable assumption that she can stay on the phone with me and make it all go away isn't going to make it all go away. A couple of tests, some better grades, and maybe, just maybe, I'll believe I'm ready to do this thing again. Pay attention, spend the weekend doing homework, treat flashcards like friends.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-09 02:06 am (UTC)Yeah, I'm noticing I'm having the same problem. My god! My reading moves at a snail's pace. Luckily, I do retain some, tho' not nearly as much as I used to. The prof. asked about the 13th amendment, and I was all "huh? what? amendment? we're amending stuff?" Even tho' it was a massive bit of the reading. On the flip side, I remembered sophisticated ideas more than I had before.
Another thing I noticed? No one was participating in discussion! I was the only person talking, and, obviously, this made me extremely uneasy. It's really no fun to be a part of a group discussion when you're the only one participation *shudder*
I'm also petrified that I'm not as smart as i think I am, or even as smart as I was a few years ago and can't complete the work. It's like my brain has been leaking, and I'm trying to ignore the large mass of cells missing and hope that no one else notices. So yeah, I get the fear. Tho' I won't be doing the flashcards. Flashcards are my enemy *grr*
~e!
no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 06:26 am (UTC)and i so have to have flashcards for the latin names of the bio plants and such. otherwise *nothing* would stick. and boy, that would be embarasing.