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katekatStudying, studying, studying, can't seem to stop, and it's like water over my ears. It trickles away faster than I can retain it, running through my fingers, slipping off my tongue. I need more time, more will, more motivation. Dear gods what have I done?
The urgency is false and true at the same time. I can't resist the crisis mode I want to fall into, something, anything, to jack the adrenaline and move me. Something to motivate me towards things other than this online business and these kinky attractions and this life that takes place in bits and bobs.
This is what I wanted. I wanted this. This fear that I won't know enough in time, that I won't learn enough in time, that I'll freeze up and go blank, like I did today, again.
Sunday was supposed to be to catch up, but the only person I caught up with was myself. Not the Japanese speaking-Kate I hope is lurking somewhere inside. Maybe if I play the tapes at a sub-hearing range while I sleep I'll wake knowing my words? Wake refreshed and ready for testing and learning and homework.
I thought I'd gotten a grip today, for once. Finally remembered to do all the errands before I sat down to compulsively, selfishly (and so very self involved) check my email. Finally finished the to dos before I started on the want tos.
Except.
I forgot, I didn't plan, I messed up. Because it's 11:30 and I'm writing instead of learning, brain burned from too many flashcards already shoved into memory. I don't think I can accept any more. But there are another 50 or so terms to go for tomorrow. Another 150 things to remember, sounds to make and things to write.
Everything switched to slow jazz in my headphones and now it seems less scary, less urgent, more about getting the job done and less about the worry. Funny how a shift in sound will do that. Electronica to percussion to Miles Davis, and I feel like all isn't lost, that maybe, maybe, it'll all turn out just fine.
I need more Miles Davis, apparently. And less Kronos Quartet.
The urgency is false and true at the same time. I can't resist the crisis mode I want to fall into, something, anything, to jack the adrenaline and move me. Something to motivate me towards things other than this online business and these kinky attractions and this life that takes place in bits and bobs.
This is what I wanted. I wanted this. This fear that I won't know enough in time, that I won't learn enough in time, that I'll freeze up and go blank, like I did today, again.
Sunday was supposed to be to catch up, but the only person I caught up with was myself. Not the Japanese speaking-Kate I hope is lurking somewhere inside. Maybe if I play the tapes at a sub-hearing range while I sleep I'll wake knowing my words? Wake refreshed and ready for testing and learning and homework.
I thought I'd gotten a grip today, for once. Finally remembered to do all the errands before I sat down to compulsively, selfishly (and so very self involved) check my email. Finally finished the to dos before I started on the want tos.
Except.
I forgot, I didn't plan, I messed up. Because it's 11:30 and I'm writing instead of learning, brain burned from too many flashcards already shoved into memory. I don't think I can accept any more. But there are another 50 or so terms to go for tomorrow. Another 150 things to remember, sounds to make and things to write.
Everything switched to slow jazz in my headphones and now it seems less scary, less urgent, more about getting the job done and less about the worry. Funny how a shift in sound will do that. Electronica to percussion to Miles Davis, and I feel like all isn't lost, that maybe, maybe, it'll all turn out just fine.
I need more Miles Davis, apparently. And less Kronos Quartet.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 04:35 am (UTC)It's ok. Japanese ain't easy. Please please please don't beat yourself up. Plase. For me. xox p
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Date: 2005-06-14 04:43 am (UTC)I think part of me just hoped that I'd have a natural ear for it, and it's depressing to find out that I have to bust my ass every day to feel like I'm barely keeping up. I'd like to get ahead, not just keep up.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 04:46 am (UTC)*pets your beautiful brain*
Oh, honey... You'll do fine; I'm certain of it. <3
I feel your pain, though. Only class I ever really cried over? Ancient Greek. This included crying in class...
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Date: 2005-06-14 04:47 am (UTC)Not that I'm saying you can't do Japanese. Just saying that it's OK if it's hard. Those of us (and I suspect you are one!) who've always had it easy in the study realm get really flummoxed when we are confronted with something we cannot handle on first grip. I'm confident that you'll do fine. It's OK to not get it all at the first glimpse. xox
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 05:01 am (UTC)Two hard things to come by, I know.
Ugh. Well good luck with the studying. It doesn't sound like fun!
*hug*
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Date: 2005-06-14 02:57 pm (UTC)Poor Kate. The knowledge won't just march into your head and take up residence; you have to cram it in there with a shoehorn and some axle grease.
That sounded like a more elegant metaphor when I thought of it, but you know what I mean. Hang in there babe. You can do this. (waves her little YAY KATE!!! flag)
This being Texas I'll trust the weather to be co-operative. If at all possible, take your lunch outside. Don't take a book, or a notebook, or anything remotely requiring effort. Just take a light lunch and sit out somewhere in the sunshine. The light exercise and lack of stimulation helps.
You can do this. You're amazing. :-)
-BJ
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Date: 2005-06-14 09:32 pm (UTC)Sadly, all that massive dorkitude and freakoutishness (on my part) was to get a 17/20 on the quiz.
Oh well, occasinally I just need to go into panic mode to get things in my brain done. And now that I'm not panicking, I'm also not studying, but hanging out on LJ instead. When will the merry go round end??
*grin*
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Date: 2005-06-14 09:33 pm (UTC)Thanks lady! They are the two hardest things to come by! And even though I'm more motivated the second time around, it's still a pain in the hoo-ha to contemplate all of the studying.
Anyway, thanks for the hugs. They're appreciated!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 09:37 pm (UTC)I know! I've started with that whole perspective too - although evil Astronomy class last semester definitely skewed that whole idea right out the window.
But yes, you're right, this studying thing for literature is like breathing (hey, books, what's not to like about 'em!?) and paper writing, while more of a chore than reading, is definitely kind of fun. I just need to get to the point where Japanese is fun too. I have moments. Last night just totally wasn't one of 'em.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. It totally helps.
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Date: 2005-06-15 01:26 am (UTC)Just take a deep breath . . . hold it . . . and scream at the top of your lungs. It helps.
(big hug)
-BJ
no subject
Date: 2005-06-15 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-23 07:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-23 08:03 pm (UTC)and direct is: katekat1010 @ yahoo.com