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escalation
Nov. 25th, 2012 09:13 pmi've been studying at Sam's house during the week for the past three weeks (ok, last week was a kind of hit and miss because of turkey day prep, but before then) in part because we keep each other on track for homework, and in part because the roommate negotiation with the housemate limited me to having one guest over per week (doesn't matter if it's for fun or not) because i'm too loud with a guest here for her to get anything done.
last week sam came over here Sat so we could do our homework and he headed out around 8 pm. Today he did the same thing - arrived around noon, headed out around 8.
I had a conversation with housemate yesterday to let her know we were studying together here. I checked in with her today at 11:30ish to let her know he was on his way. She told me that she was ok with it if he was here for like six hours, but not longer, because she needed to study and we were too loud for her to study.
Now, when i'd talked with her sometime in the last couple of weeks about the fact i was studying at sam's house but that it got tiring studying at his place all the time, her suggestions to me were that we could study at the center, or possibly at a cafe, or even there are public places elsewhere that make great study spots.
So when she told me that today, I noted that I was spending 5 nights a week out of the house out of respect for her and that one day a week, even if we took longer than expected, did not seem to me to be outside of our agreement. (additionally, when we went over our 'guest policy' she noted guests had to be out of the house by 10 pm on a school night...so well within that time). I suggested that she might try a coffee shop or something. She responded that she didn't have the money to do that. I again reiterated that I didn't think it was so unreasonable to have a guest over once a week even if it got a little loud. She also went on to say that I made noise beyond having a guest in the house. As she was stepping into her bedroom she noted, "I have a lot of problems with you." to which I responded something to the effect of, "ooooook. well."
She walked out a few minutes later and I sarcastically said, "Maybe you should make a list of the problems you have with me, that way we can talk them out, instead of letting them fester."
She responded, "I don't let things fester."
To which I made a harummphing noise of disbelief and added, "oh, really?"
(cuz honestly, when someone tells me "i have a lot of problems with you" it's not something that immediately makes me relaxed, I dunno about you)
Sam came over. We studied. Yes, with accompanying musical soundtrack - not turned loud, just music turned on, in my room, with the door closed. We went out for food at 5 pm for like an hour (again so we didn't use the kitchen during a time when she was going to use it - since that was another one of her complaints about me having a guest over, was that I cooked food and occupied the kitchen for so long she couldn't adequately get dinner).
We came back, did another hour of work, then heard the TV snap on, LOUD. It got louder.
After about a half an hour Sam asked me if I'd stick my head out there and ask her to lower the volume a bit, since the vibrations were literally shaking the floor in my room. I did. She lowered it two notches, saying that she had it turned up so loud because she couldn't hear it.
Sam and I wrapped around 8 pm. He said goodbye, and I changed to clean the kitchen. As I got started she snapped the TV off, came into the kitchen, and proceeded to tell me that she didn't appreciate me suggesting she wasn't raising issues - that she had certainly raised all her issues with me when they came up. When I quoted her noting this morning that she had lots of problems with me, she said that she meant I was loud often with guests, and when she had talked about having guests over she meant that I was only supposed to be loud once a week. She told me that I wasn't respecting her, and I wasn't listening to her. She moved to close her door again. I called, as she was closing it, "ok, now that you've said that, do you want to talk about it?" (yes, still pretty confrontational) and she slammed her door screaming, "I HAVE HOMEWORK!"
should i kill myself now? ignore everything? sam suggested turning on loud metal, but i think that's just not cool (besides, he wasn't really serious)
ETA this just in, an email received 5 min ago:
last week sam came over here Sat so we could do our homework and he headed out around 8 pm. Today he did the same thing - arrived around noon, headed out around 8.
I had a conversation with housemate yesterday to let her know we were studying together here. I checked in with her today at 11:30ish to let her know he was on his way. She told me that she was ok with it if he was here for like six hours, but not longer, because she needed to study and we were too loud for her to study.
Now, when i'd talked with her sometime in the last couple of weeks about the fact i was studying at sam's house but that it got tiring studying at his place all the time, her suggestions to me were that we could study at the center, or possibly at a cafe, or even there are public places elsewhere that make great study spots.
So when she told me that today, I noted that I was spending 5 nights a week out of the house out of respect for her and that one day a week, even if we took longer than expected, did not seem to me to be outside of our agreement. (additionally, when we went over our 'guest policy' she noted guests had to be out of the house by 10 pm on a school night...so well within that time). I suggested that she might try a coffee shop or something. She responded that she didn't have the money to do that. I again reiterated that I didn't think it was so unreasonable to have a guest over once a week even if it got a little loud. She also went on to say that I made noise beyond having a guest in the house. As she was stepping into her bedroom she noted, "I have a lot of problems with you." to which I responded something to the effect of, "ooooook. well."
She walked out a few minutes later and I sarcastically said, "Maybe you should make a list of the problems you have with me, that way we can talk them out, instead of letting them fester."
She responded, "I don't let things fester."
To which I made a harummphing noise of disbelief and added, "oh, really?"
(cuz honestly, when someone tells me "i have a lot of problems with you" it's not something that immediately makes me relaxed, I dunno about you)
Sam came over. We studied. Yes, with accompanying musical soundtrack - not turned loud, just music turned on, in my room, with the door closed. We went out for food at 5 pm for like an hour (again so we didn't use the kitchen during a time when she was going to use it - since that was another one of her complaints about me having a guest over, was that I cooked food and occupied the kitchen for so long she couldn't adequately get dinner).
We came back, did another hour of work, then heard the TV snap on, LOUD. It got louder.
After about a half an hour Sam asked me if I'd stick my head out there and ask her to lower the volume a bit, since the vibrations were literally shaking the floor in my room. I did. She lowered it two notches, saying that she had it turned up so loud because she couldn't hear it.
Sam and I wrapped around 8 pm. He said goodbye, and I changed to clean the kitchen. As I got started she snapped the TV off, came into the kitchen, and proceeded to tell me that she didn't appreciate me suggesting she wasn't raising issues - that she had certainly raised all her issues with me when they came up. When I quoted her noting this morning that she had lots of problems with me, she said that she meant I was loud often with guests, and when she had talked about having guests over she meant that I was only supposed to be loud once a week. She told me that I wasn't respecting her, and I wasn't listening to her. She moved to close her door again. I called, as she was closing it, "ok, now that you've said that, do you want to talk about it?" (yes, still pretty confrontational) and she slammed her door screaming, "I HAVE HOMEWORK!"
should i kill myself now? ignore everything? sam suggested turning on loud metal, but i think that's just not cool (besides, he wasn't really serious)
ETA this just in, an email received 5 min ago:
Kate,
Ground rules for guests don't seem to work too well. Why don't we just not have guests over anymore? I'd rather have some on occasion, but it's clearly too difficult. We only have about six months of the program left, it shouldn't be too much of a hassle.
